Guy or girl - how does it matter?

I'm talking about the duties of children towards their parents. According to Hinduism, the duties of a guy are to take care of his wife/children and his aged parents. The duties of a girl after wedding is to take care of her new family viz. husband, kids and parents-in-law, respect elders in the family and keep the flag of her new family flying high. Accepted.

But, I was wondering if there is a place where the duties of a girl towards her parents is specified. I searched on the internet for instances, couldn't find any. Spoke to a few people and each one of them had varied opinions. One of them says if the parents have a son, it the son and his wife who have to take care of them and the daughter is bound to take care of her in-laws. If a couple has no sons, it is their karma, and they can't/won't expect their daughter to take care of them. An aunt of mine says, if a girl has to manage 2 families at a time, she wouldn't be able to do either of them well. So, her duty is only to her new family and doing them properly is the only duty that she has towards her parents as well, as this the only thing about her that would make them proud. And another person had a totally different opinion on the whole thing. The rules laid down in those old books don't hold good now, as it is a different situation altogether. Girls were not educated much or financially independent back then, so they were under men, unlike now, when the scenario is totally different. Applying centuries old rules to the current situation is absurd. Every individual knows what she wants and has to act accordingly.

Like every guy who feels he has certain duties towards his parents who toiled to bring him up to where he is now, there is nothing wrong for a girl to have the same feeling towards her parents. How do we balance it?

This is how I would like to handle the whole thing. I would assess where my help/presence is needed most and try to do all that I can, be it husband, kids, parents, in-laws, siblings, friends,cousins,etc. The need of so many people around is definitely bound to clash, where I got to use my discretion and do the right thing. I feel it would be comfortable this way, rather then following some rules that you are not happy following and always working with a conflict in mind.

The problem arises when the people around you, each one of them want you to follow different set of rules, or maybe even the same set of rules, not even because they want to, but because the society wants to, and your personal preferences don't match with what they expect out of you.

I do know of a lot of parents who wouldn't feel comfortable to stay at their daughter's place as opposed to staying at their son's place. I feel that people don't prefer to have a girl child, as they think girls are of no use to them in the future, and which is also why female infanticide, female illiteracy are still rampant.

I wish there was a universal rule written somewhere, that would make everyone happy and work conflict-free.

My intention of writing down the conflict that I have, is hoping to find solutions/opinions from people who know/experienced similar conflicts. Any help rendered to me in this regard will be much appreciated :)

Free-will vs Destiny

Had this discussion yesterday and the confusion that I have had for a long time now and thought was complicated and didn't care about, was cleared(at-least I think so).

I was listening to an Upanyasam when this topic came up yet again.

Watch from the 13th minute if you don't have the patience to watch the whole video.

It is said that everything is pre-determined. If something is destined to happen to you, it will happen no matter what. Then where comes free-will in the picture?

Read Ramanuja's commentary of a couple of verses of The Gita. Each action is attributed to 5 causes(all 5 of them)

1. Body 2. Senses 3. Individual soul 4. Force of vital air 5. Supreme soul

This means that the individual self is responsible for the action, but no action can happen without the support or permission of the Supreme Soul.

I wasn't clear until I read this example(from Ramanuja's commentary). Consider 5 people lifting a heavy stone. Only the combined effort of the 5 of them can make the action happen. Even if one of them is not willing, the action doesn't happen.

Apply the above example to every action. Without the agreement of all the 5 causes, an action cannot happen, which implies that we(individual soul) are one-fifth responsible for each action.

If the Individual Soul also has to agree for an action to occur, where comes the question of being pre-determined? What if the Individual Soul doesn't agree for an action, how will it happen even if it was pre-determined? It will, because of the Karma that the Individual Soul is subjected to, and Karma is cumulative. Whatever you do(good or bad), there will be an effect.

If the Individual Soul works on the basis of Karma, then where comes free-will? It does. What action you are subjected to now, is a result of what you did in the past and your future actions depend on your current actions.

This implies that both destiny and free-will exist.

In the above video, Swami says there is no free-will, except in choosing the path that will lead you to God, which means that you have to surrender your free-will to God.

It is wise to use the free-will in a good manner, to reduce the bag of sorrows. Wiser it is, to surrender the free-will also to the Supreme Soul, as we don't really know what is good.

Nama Kirtanam

Had a chance to watch quite a few episodes of the show "Veedu Thedi Varuvaan Vitalan" by Sri. Muralidhar Swamiji aired on Vijay Tv and have no words to describe the experience. The discourses mainly revolved around Lord Pandurangan of Pandaripuram and about the Bhakti of great men who lived there. The way Swami narrates the stories, he almost makes us feel we were witnessing the incident. And for a restless and impatient person that I am, who doesn't willingly listen to spiritual discourses, Swami literally made me wait for the next episode.

There is not one episode where he does talk about "Nama Kirtanam". Nama Kirtanam means "Singing the Holy name of God". It is said that the only thing that can liberate us in this present Kali Yuga is Nama Kirtanam. Swami kept reiterating it, that I got into the habit of chanting Nama Kirtanam every morning and it gives immense sense of security. I get the feeling that whatever is happening to me is given by Him and He is the Only One who knows what is best for me.

I usually have the habit of asking Him what I want and also pray for people who I know, who are in trouble. Somehow these days, the people-in-trouble-list is increasing exponentially and none of us have any control over it. A person might be intelligent, a hard-worker and devote all this time towards his exam preparation, but he might not get the marks he expected. This does not mean the person isn't knowledgeable enough. It only means that none of us have control over what happens.

We keep hearing about terrorist attacks, natural calamities, etc., more often than ever. The serial bomb blasts in Mumbai yet again - is there anything that I can do to stop all this or help the victims? As an individual I think I have a duty towards fellow people, but I really didn't know what it was or of what help I could be. The only thing I could think of was chanting Nama kirtanam for the goodness of the world, which I did today.

I recently read in a book that good and bad exist, to create a balance. I least understand this. Why can't it be only good? What kind of imbalance will there be if we were surrounded by goodness always? Again the definition of "good" differs. What is "good" to me is "bad" to someone else. Is this what the balance is all about? I am confused. Amidst all this chaos, the only thing that gives me solace is Nama Kirtanam.

In Mahabharatha, Yudhistira asked Bhishma(when in death bed) the following questions: "In this universe who is the one Deva of all? Who is the one greatest refuge for all? Who is the one Divinity by praising and by worshipping whom a man attains good? Which according to you is that highest form of Dharma (capable of bestowing salvation and prosperity on man)? What is that by uttering or reciting which any living being can attain freedom from cycle of births and deaths?" Bhishma's answer to the above questions was "Vishnu Sahasranama", which is nothing but the divine names of the Lord, chanting which a person will be liberated.

A lot of other religions also dwell in reciting the Holy names of the Lord.

Whatever you ask in my name, I will do it, that the Father may be glorified in the Son; if you ask anything in my name, I will do it.

Christianity. John 14.13-14

Contemplate solely the Name of God--

Fruitless are all other rituals.

Sikhism. Adi Granth, Suhi, M.1, p. 728

If there be anyone who commits evil deeds... let him utter the name

"Buddha Amitayus" serenely and with voice uninterrupted; let him be continually thinking of Buddha until he has completed ten times the thought, repeating, "Namu Amida Butsu." On the strength of uttering Buddha's name he will, during every repetition, expiate the sins.

Buddhism. Meditation on Buddha Amitayus 3.30

To God belongs 99 names, 100 minus 1, anyone who memorizes them will enter Paradise.

Prophet Muhammad

Hara Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Give it the choice and space....!

Started watching "The Cosby Show" recently and got addicted to it. This was aired on TV sometime during the mid-80s and it's surprising that it is relevant even today. I finished season 1 in less than a week's time and into Season 2 now. There are upto eight seasons(I think) and my entertainment for the next couple of months is assured :)

There is this family which has a husband(Bill Cosby) and wife who are doctor and lawyer respectively, and they have 5 kids(4 daughters and a son). The show for the most part takes place in their household and portrays the day-to-day scenario which we are/were a part of, in such a witty way, that you can't, but ask for more.

The love between the husband and wife after years of marriage and the way they bring up their kids, the values they impart in them and most-importantly, how they do it, is what makes it worth watching.

They don't impose anything on the kids. They give them the CHOICE, and its upto the kids to choose what works best for them. That way, the kids get to think for themselves and analyze, and be responsible for their choice, rather than blaming the parents.

Sending kids out of the house after a certain age - is it healthy? It totally is and I fully endorse it. Sending kids out doesn't mean getting rid of them or not willing to spend for them anymore. It means that it is high time they see the world with their own eyes. How do you think it is possible for a kid who has been under your wings forever, to take his own decisions, to be responsible, to start a family and to have his own kids? Are you going to be growing his kids as well? Is this healthy?

Which of the 2 scenarios is better - Everybody staying together, with conflicting ideals, forced to put up with each other, ego-clashes and end up losing the love and respect for each other or though not staying together, meet up often and making the love and respect grow by the day? I prefer the later.

Distance has always worked for me. I did go out of home after I was done with school, and I was a changed person, which people around me have always pointed out. I think that gave me the strength, courage and confidence that I could take up and deal with things on my own. Moreover, the love for home grew in leaps and bounds and with all this comes a satisfaction that you are the one who are deciding what you want to do. I do have other long-distance-relationship stories that have totally worked out, which I will pen later maybe ;)

"The Space" really lets you be who you are, and not what someone else wants you to be. For all relationships to work and the magic in them to exist, I think giving each other the space they need does the trick. Too much of intrusion only complicates things.

I don’t mean to talk against living in a joint-family. If all is well between the members, if everyone can co-exist without disrupting the peace and aspirations of others and if happiness and love prevails always, then joint family is the way to go. But, if people stay together just because they have to show the society they are living in a joint-family, there is no point.

Now, how I plan in taking my life forward? My parents are used to the joint-family setup and that is what has been passed on to me. So, I prefer staying with them and taking care of them. But, I wouldn’t want to pass this on to my kids. I would give them the choice and the space and be there for them when they need me.

Choice and space make the difference.

Appreciating what we have!

This is something that I have heard and read time and again, but have never really done it. The realization always comes only after having lost something that I used to have.

What is lost need not necessarily be a priced possession, but once lost it seems priceless.

We don't appreciate the value of good health until we fall sick.

We don't appreciate the value of a loved one until we miss them.

We don't appreciate the value of a job until we lose one and try in vain, searching for a new one.

We don't appreciate the value of summer until winter comes and vice versa.

I am sure the list goes on, these are just a few.

I remember reading this somewhere : "We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have" , which is very true.

Its imperative that once we wake up every morning, we should think of all that we have, and be thankful for them. I do this once in a while, most often forget doing it, and losing something will remind me of it.

Non-appreciating will lead to "taking things for granted", which is very unhealthy, specially when it comes to relationships.

This is one thing that we are going to feel bad once we realize we have not done it, so we better take the time to remind ourselves everyday.

திருக்குறள் (Thirukkural) 396

தொட்டனைத் தூறும் மணற்கேணி மாந்தர்க்கு

கற்றனைத் தூறும் அறிவு.
For those who can't read Tamizh,
Thottanaithu Oorum manarkeni maandharku
Kattranaithu oorum arivu.

This is one of the most famous verses in Thirukkural. If you have had Tamizh language as a part of your curriculum, I'm sure you might have not missed this verse. I am no exception. This verse was in the "important questions" for exam category, and I remember having memorized it when I was in 4th or 5th grade (and am surprised I remember it now, despite my poor memory). Thirukkural was stressed so much back then, that there were Thirukkural competitions held in the class regularly, where we were supposed to recite the verses. I once got the third place and was given a radium sticker for prize :)

I happened to hear this particular verse in a movie that I saw yesterday and it struck me like lightning.

Translation of this verse : "As a sandy fount yields more water every time you dig, so does knowledge grow, the more you read, the deeper."

Why this struck me? I have let my brain rust for years now. Especially the past year has been worse. For the amount of "free" time I have had, the useful reading that I have done is negligible. I think its high time I catch up with all the reading and knowledge acquisition that I should have done years back.

Also, the reason I still remember this verse is the number of times I was made to read it back then. And one of the reasons I don't remember as much of anything that I read in the recent past is that, I basically don't care. Everything can be found on the internet and I can "copy and paste" whenever I want. Internet FOR ME, has been more of a curse than a blessing. It has made me lazy. Of-course, I didn't mean to blame the internet :)

So, the conclusion of this post, if you have to become wise, stop using the internet, stop copy-pasting.... I'm sure you all are super mad already :)

On a serious note, it is rightly said that a good book is man's best companion. People might let you down, but the books and the knowledge that is acquired from them, will only make you wise and strong. Keep reading.... :)

What is "being modern"?

When someone tells me "I am a modern person" it really annoys me when they invariably mean their physical attributes like the dress/footwear/jewelry they wear or their make-up or hair-do.

For me, being modern only relates to ones thoughts. If I am able to adapt myself with the changing ideals of the present era, without compromising on my own ideals, and at the same time, not forcing my ideals on others, I will call myself modern. Per my definition, I can remain "modern" forever, irrespective of how old I become.

The only "ever-modern" person that I've known till date is my mom and all the "non-modern" people out there will surely disagree. She was this calm and serene, always-saree-clad woman, who wouldn't talk unnecessarily, endowed with enormous patience, wouldn't get irritated easily, had zero-ego(I really mean it!) and zero-temper, was selfless, had no-one that hated her whilst she herself never disliked anyone, very soft-spoken, being non-intrusive with anybody else's life unless her help was needed....

The above qualities in her that make me call her ever-modern, also makes the so-called modern people call her non-modern.

I wish I could be as modern as she was.

Of-course, I am not forcing my definition on anyone. This is just my way of looking at being-modern.